Grief stinks...but life doesn’t have to. Three things to say to a grieving friend (and what not to say!)

“I don’t want to remind them and make them sad?” Anyone who has ever suffered a tremendous loss knows…You don’t forget your grief! Grief is the cloud that isn’t influenced by conversations.

Death doesn’t come with an instruction book. It’s a subject most don’t like to talk about unless it’s absolutely necessary. It’s human nature to avoid painful or unpleasant things. But, if we take time to talk and think about death and dying, we may feel more prepared to support those we love when the unthinkable happens.

Acknowledging a friends' loss may be difficult for you, but the very act of acknowledgment can open up a moment of comfort for the person grieving. The key is knowing what to say to make it easier on you both!

It’s also valuable to remember that grief is a relative pain. No grief is more valid than another. Pain is pain. And it takes the time it takes to adjust to a new normal. Whether it’s a breakup, a death, or some other unforeseen change, let yourself and the people you love take the time they need.

In the meantime, here are some conversation starters for talking to a person going through grief:

1. What Do You Need? Everyone grieves in different ways.
Instead of assuming you know what someone needs, take the time to find out. Sometimes all people need is for someone to just listen. Nothing else. Maybe they need space for a few days or the opposite. They may want your help in making plans and looking forward to something in the future. Some people need privacy and time and others need mental distractions and busy hands. However, everyone needs a support system! If they don’t know what they need yet, just make it clear you are available for them.

2. How’s your day going?
“How are you?”…can be answered with “how do you think I am!” So rephrase the question. Grief is all-encompassing, but by asking them about their day, you’re giving them the chance to focus on the small wins they’ve accomplished. You might consider prompting questions, like how are you eating or sleeping?

Simple things like getting out of bed or washing dishes can feel impossible when dealing with grief. Accomplishing small tasks like finally putting a load of laundry into the wash, is a small victory worth acknowledging.

The small wins like the fact that they got up today are a sign of their strength.

3. Would You Like to...Insert Something You Know Will Put a Smile on Their Face)?
If you know a favorite restaurant that brings them joy, see if they’re up to going. And if they’re not, have the food delivered to their house. Small gestures are what your loved one needs.


Having a constant reminder that you are loved despite how alone you might feel is an amazing feeling

Small acts of kindness make a difference. Clichés don’t! As a last note, if you’ve heard a phrase repeatedly like “They’re in a better place”, or “I know exactly how you feel” that’s a red flag telling you to stop! Generalized sentiments are like generic greeting cards…just not that thoughtful.

If you (or a loved one) need help navigating grief, please call H2o hypnosis in Frankfort, IL for a free hypnotic consultation. Or text Crisis Text Line at 741741—it’s available 24/7, it’s confidential, and it’s free.

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